Okay, fair warning. This is going to be a long blog post but it's something I need to talk about. Will be talking about lost identities, feeling like I want to quit, etc.

Feeling like my identity is gone?¶

Beginnings¶

I briefly talked about this in my last blog post (at least in the title), but I wanted to talk about it more as it's been something I've been dealing with lately.

I started learning Japanese while still in the relationship with my ex (Mary if this is read in the far future and I've had more exes ~ hopefully not). I started learning Japanese for two reasons:

I was playing Persona 5 Royal and I couldn't understand what the signs said and I wanted to know what they meant. I think I also just liked the aesthetic of Japan through Persona 5 Royal and that also made me want to learn.
I was already starting to feel somewhat lonely (figured this out much later after our breakup). I wanted a hobby that would be constructive, like a tangible thing I could work at little by little every day to get better at.

While the first bullet was a strong determining factor for me beginning my Japanese journey, the second bullet is the important one to note here. At that point in my relationship, I was already unhappy. I felt trapped even, and I was very lonely. I didn't leave the house much, and when I did, it was always on our property (had 3 acres and in the country). I think I can see what Jack Torrance felt in The Shinning (albeit a MUCH less severe case and not possessed either lol). What I mean is that I think I was going a bit stir crazy.

Whatever I was feeling, it lead to me wanting to pursue a constructive hobby. Something I could devote many hours (years even) to and get better little by little. In my mind, I thought this would be a good way to find enjoyment out of the little things in life. Mainly because I was feeling slightly guilty at how I was feeling in terms of our relationship and myself even. And so I began learning Japanese on 08/21/2023.

Losing my identity¶

Fast forward to when my break up happened. I continued to study Japanese religiously (okay, I half assed after the first few months). After my breakup, I didn't have the energy to study. This lead to me taking a break for a few months and I spent this time enjoying myself and doing other things (i.e., rock climbing, playing video games, etc.). After a few months, I had a yearning to get back to studying Japanese again (I realized that I loved studying Japanese and I loved the language itself). So I began studying again, and I call this date the real start to my Japanese journey on this site; however, it wouldn't come without its challenges.

The last few weeks have made Japanese just felt weird to me (honestly, I felt this way shortly after my break up too). It's like learning the language doesn't feel the same anymore? I think a large part of me feeling this way was in relation to the first section in this blog post: I started this hobby, largely as a way to escape from the unhappiness in my relationship. It feels like the language that I loved doesn't feel the same to me anymore; akin to slowly drifting away from a close friend?

For a long time, I think I latched onto the fact that I could just go escape to Japan. I had begun watching anime and reading manga and the moments in those shows/stories began to really resonate with me: I just wanted to be happy, and for a while, Japan (really anime/manga which isn't how Japan actually is) just felt like a place I would feel that in; a place where I didn't feel lonely or unhappy.

Japan is weird in my mind because of this. I feel a sense of nostalgia for Japan, even though I've never been there. There's a term for this:

Anemoia - a term that describes the feeling of nostalgia for a time or place that a person has never experienced

It generally makes sense why I would feel this way though: I fell (really fallen) in love with media that comes from Japan. I fell in love with the language of Japan. And it's funny, as I learn more about Japan through media and learning the language, I know it's a place I wouldn't want to stay long term. I love Japan (as much as I can without visiting yet); it's a beautiful country rich in history; however, there are many cons of living there. Many of which, I just can't find myself enjoying long term. I think I'd still give it a shot maybe but I don't know.

So, I have this weird nostalgia for Japan even though I've never been there and I have this fleeting relationship with the language.

Coming back from the trenches¶

I luckily have a support structure in my life; friends that I can count on to talk through my feelings on things. I had a friend say something really impactful when I brought up everything I've talked about so far:

From what you said on the first bit, I would say that... Since your "relationship" with Japan has changed etc., taking a step back and a break from it sounds like the best idea. Whether it is to find out how you want to change your approach with it, never get back to it, turn it into something else, come back to it as a comforting thing later on. It is alright. But like every relation you have, with others, body, mind, etc. It will always be a part of you kind of. Identity is something that changes through our entire lives and should be defined through how we feel about things, it will change and that's something to accept

It kind of gives me goosebumps thinking about it again. But it's completely correct and a way of thinking that I didn't even consider. I was SO conflicted (I even began studying Norwegian on the side even though I'm not really passionate about it as I thought I would want to live there).

I gave all of the conversations I had with friends and all the advice I got to heart and I did take a break; not a real break have you, but I cut down everything and only did Anki and Bunpro reviews for a while (takes less than 30 minutes for both). And I thought about everything deeply.

I love Japanese, I really do. Something about learning the language and learning more about the culture is something I thoroughly enjoy. It's also the language for the media I love so much. I thought about quitting multiple times, and maybe I'll have those thoughts again but I just started to realize it has to be Japanese for me. As much as I thought about it and even wanted to, I couldn't say goodbye. It feels like something I need in my life almost, like a deep yearning for it. So I'm not going to say goodbye, and I'm not going to quite.

New identity with Japanese¶

Yes, the old identity I had with Japanese has come to an end; and it's bittersweet (sad honestly). But that doesn't mean I have to stop learning it. I think I realize that I don't have to live in Japan to enjoy Japanese. I can visit Japan and enjoy the culture and language all the same. I can still enjoy the language in the media I consume. I can enjoy the language while speaking to online Japanese friends, to a tutor even. And who knows what the future holds, maybe down the line I will give living in Japan a shot.

But starting today, my new identity with Japanese is to just enjoy the language for what it is. To enjoy the process and not the destination. I'm no longer chasing after happiness with the language, I'm chasing fulfillment with the language itself. To me, this makes learning the language that more enjoyable. I no longer get incredibly frustrated when I don't understand something, because that's all part of the process. A process I enjoy thoroughly.

New goals¶

I made some goals when I made my first blog post, and I want to refine those some and make them more realistic going forward:

Finish Genki 1 & Genki 2 by March of 2025
Finish Kaishi 1.5k by March of 2025
Finish Nutshell Grammar on Satori Reader
Watch 10 comprehensible Japanese videos on youtube
Read first real Satori Reader Story
Mine my first sentence!

I think these are somewhat more approachable and achievable in the near future